there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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