Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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