Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
