On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fill condoms, not promises.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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