and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
