Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
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