Only a mothe r could love this liver
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
