I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Alive.
So much puke
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
