a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
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