it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
