put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
