why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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