rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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