you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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