What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
