I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
