my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
