Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
