My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
