remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
