Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
