I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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