Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
