To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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