I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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