Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
