Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
