I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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