Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
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Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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