You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
