Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
