Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
