Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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