history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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