He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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