hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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