I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
