So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
