The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
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You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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