The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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