My underwear smells like fireworks.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go