Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots