Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The beer is more important than you right now.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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