Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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