I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.