What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
