I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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