I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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