Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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