My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
