I wanna bring you to show and tell
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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