i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
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Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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