Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
