my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
