Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
