cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
