How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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