So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
