Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
