Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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